this one is about the time biff's dog ate a box of chocolate

Last night, while the Young family was at Christmas Eve church, Barkley Mae, Lindsay's mentally underdeveloped maltipoo, unwrapped and subsequently ingested an entire box of Russell Stover chocolates. Here for you, today only, is an actual, word for word transcription of the transpiration, including a fascinating inclusion of Barkley Mae's INNER THOUGHTS:

Disclaimer: this will make no sense at all unless you've met Barkley Mae. If you haven't this won't be funny. If you have, it'll make complete sense. The dog is needy of attention like a child who's been locked in a closet for 10 years.

BARKLEY MAE: Mom mom mom mom mom mom mom don't leave mom don't leave me mom please don't leave me mom mom mom please don't leave me grandma grandpa ryan mom please don't leave me mom mom mom

LINDSAY: Barkley Mae, we'll be right back my little angel of the Lord

(DOOR SHUTS)

BARKLEY MAE: (making a b-line upstairs to urinate on something) I'm going to pee on mom's bed I'm going to pee on mom's shoes I'm peeing in the corner right now. I'm peeing. I'm barking at the fan. I peed. I'm peeing and barking simultaneously. Attention. Give me attention. Someone pet me. Where is everyone?

Kibbles give me kibbles no...chocolate. I smell chocolate. I'm barking because I smell chocolate. bark bark. chocolate. Use your sniffer, Barkley, use it. Find the chocolate

(Barkley Mae finds Lindsay's bag in the pitch black)

I DON'T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS! I'M BARKING BECAUSE I JUST REALIZED I DON'T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Use your teeth, Barkley. Bark Bark. Pee a little in excitement. Bark...rip the celophane off. Yeah, get that corner. Ok it's open it's open mommmmm mom mom bark bark mom it's open. You got me chocolate! I'm so excited! I love chocolate. Bark bark. HEY NEIGHBOR'S DOG WHO I HATE AND BARK AT CONSTANTLY: I GOT CHOCOLATE! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!

Chew chew bark bark swallow...MOM! Is this caramel?! MOM, bark bark mom! This is so good! Burp! Bark bark! Ahhhh this is is so fun I just ate the whole thing! AHH I FOUND MORE CHOCOLATE! MORE CHOCOLATE! THANKS MOM! Bark bark! (inhales more chocolate)

LINDSAY: We're home, my beautiful little butterfly lover with a heart of gold whom I love named Barkley Mae!

LINDSAY: (screams bloody murder when she sees remnants of chocolate) BARKLEY MAYFLOWER! WHAT DID YOU DO?! (calls vet in panic and finds out Barkley didn't eat a lethal amount...waits all night/all day for her to throw up or have diarreah. Nothing. The dog acted completely normal. So bizarre.)

The end.